Where I've Been, What I've Done

by - June 07, 2021

 It's been a hot second, I'm aware, and now I'm just...wondering how to pick up with what I've left off. How to return to a world that feels like it's fading away. No one blogs anymore, it seems. No one speaks. These diaries are preserved for eternity, but without endings.

So I sit here and sigh as I type these words. And I wonder: Who am I?

I am not the same bright-eyed girl I was posting three days a week. I no longer write a book every month, can no longer brag of 120,000 word NaNoWriMos. Nowadays just writing a chapter makes me struggle beyond my wildest dreams. Creative burnout hurts. You miss the page, miss the words coming, long for them... but then you realize you don't actually want to write. You want the rush of success without the need to try. I have started story after story after story in the last months, and yet finished not even a single one. The things I'm currently working on I don't want to share, because I fear jinxing it.

I get home from school, and I sit on the couch and sleep at home, then go to my job, where I deliver orders and make orders and cry internally and wonder: is this all that matters? This grind, making food and taking other people's money and drowning under the weight of consumerism?

Sometimes, I feel empty.

Sometimes...I feel like I'm a husk of a girl. Not even a full girl, certainly not someone who can be used by God.

And so I stare into the sky and I think about the future of this online diary, the one you all read, the one that you're free to comment on. I wonder: who am I? Why would you read my words? Is there something about me that makes you want to know what I have to say?

What is there, truly, about the girl behind the blog that's worth knowing?

But I persist. I've been gone for a very long time. I'm coming back uncertain what I want to do. This blog will likely change; my URL may change. I don't have a plan. I have always been a pantser, and that will continue. 

So let's see what the future holds. If you're interested in watching that journey: welcome. And thank you. I'm a bit weird. I'm a bit of a mess.

But I'd love to have you.


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  1. I love this post so, so much, Faith. I've been feeling very similar the past few weeks, and to read your words was like giving my soul a hug, because I so badly needed this.

    And I'm sorry that you've been feeling this way. (Praying for you, as always <3) But I'm so happy to see that you're back to blogging! And whatever happens on this blog next, we'll be here for it. <3 <3 <3

    1. Ahhhh thank you *sobs* I'm so glad they helped.

      THANKS <3 It means so much that you're willing to stick around.

  2. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, Faith. <3 It's so hard when the words won't come, and it feels like they should be, but they aren't.

    But I'm so glad you're back--I missed your presence in the blogosphere! I look forward to seeing how this new pantsed journey goes...


      Thank you <3 I'm excited to see where it leads me, too.

  3. *FLYING TACKLE HUG* Girl, I have MISSED you and will always, always, ALWAYS be thrilled to read your words. You have so many beautiful, wonderful, thought-provoking things to say. I cannot even express how many times your words have inspired, motivated, and encouraged me. You are a HUMONGOUS blessing in my life and I know in many, many others as well.

    I am so sorry you've been struggling with creative burnout and questioning the point of everything. I have been doing the SAME. We work so hard with life and then it's like...what is the POINT??? But God's been working through me. And He's made me see that it is in the LITTLE things that make the big differences. A tiny pebble can make an entire pond move. The little things we do in life make ripples, and they cause big and beautiful impacts. Just being your wonderful self has blessed more people than you know.

    You are a light in this world, dear Faith, and God has used you and is GOING to use you in wonderful ways.

    Love you so much, dear friend. You are always in my prayers. <3

    1. AHHHH CHRISTINE!!!!! *screams* You're so precious and always SO beyond encouraging. Thank you so much *sobs*

      Dude that ripple metaphor...yes. That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear--thank you so much.

      thank youuuuuuuu and I love you too! <3

  4. Just gotta say, I love how honest you are, it's a rare quality to have nowadays, and I appreciate it. I'll definitely be sticking around to support you on your journey, no matter what that looks like in relation to writing, blogging, and your author dreams. Love you, sweet girl. 💕

  5. my boo, you are strong. I've seen you rise from so much, and it's been so beautiful to see you grow into the strong woman that you are. I never would've thought when we met that you'd become one of the most important people in my life. I can't imagine this world without you.

    I know how it feels right now, to feel unsure. I know everything you are feeling. (And you know everything I'm feeling, too.)

    You know I'm here for you without me saying it but I'm saying it anyway. I am here for you always. My true north. ❤❤❤❤

    1. Oh my word *sobs* This whole comment...booooo you're such a reassuring and steady presence in my life. Thank you so much for having been here for me. <3

      Thank you. I love you. You mean the world to me. <3 <3

  6. I've felt really similarly lately, especially your question "Is this all that matters?" I wonder that a lot, what am I doing, where am I going, will I even care once I get there? Maybe this is just a nasty section of growing up; maybe it's exacerbated due to 2020 (who am I kidding. It's definitely exacerbated due to 2020). But I guess all that to say, I feel you. I feel that emptiness and that wondering and that questioning. It makes me think of a verse in 1 Peter, "Stand firm in your faith, knowing that these kinds of struggles are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world." You aren't alone in feeling this way, and we'll see the other side together. <3

    In the meantime, your words are always valuable to me, and I'm always inspired by your writing, by your faith, by just about every post from you I've ever read. Take your time if you can't post all the time. Rest if writing is coming hard. But know that whatever you have to say, it matters to us, your followers and friends, and I can't wait to see what you're going to bloom into and the incredible ways that God will use you. :)


    1. 2020 has NOT helped with anything OR my massive consistent identity crisis hahaha helppppp but WOW that verse is awesome, thank you so much for sharing <3

      Thank you SO much. I appreciate it so much, Alexa <3 <3

  7. I've missed you so much! I did a similar thing as I got older, it can be a bit scary. You write/read less it's hard to make time for it amongst everything else.
    It's okay to not do as much.

    As a fellow panster, we got this!

  8. Aww, Faith! I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way. I've definitely struggled with the mundane routine of going to work every day and just feeling empty. I struggle with spending so much of my time doing something that doesn't feel like it matters, simply because I have to survive.

    But I know there are better things out there for us. Maybe not right now, and maybe it won't look like what we expect it to... but sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is choosing to believe that God is planning a bright future for me and one day it'll all be worth it.

    Your story and your words are so precious and I will always want to read them. Praying for you, friend! <3


Hello, friends! Do make yourselves comfortable and stay for a while--I'd love to chat with you! I simply ask that you keep it clean. :)