Success. If you've lived in America for more than five minutes (or even anywhere else), you will probably hear the word success everywhere. It's the kind of thing that gets brought up on an everyday basis. Success, success, success. 

But what is success? And more importantly: how do we know if we've attained it?

I think we have to watch out for a couple of very specific traps when it comes to success. The world likes to tell us that we've made it when we start to feel like we're rich or we've reached the top. (But what's the top?)

I think I've succeeded. 

Is success a metric? I would argue no. I thinks success stems from our attitude. The world would never call a stay-at-home mom successful, even if she raises all her kids to be amazing people and has a wonderful marriage and holds the fort down and is active in her church. But I'd say that's successful.

Success, in a definition, is looking at your life and saying, "God is pleased with how I have used this time he's given me."

Because we all have 24 hours in a day. Yes, we really are equal on that front, no matter what the internet tries to tell you. As Paul says, we've all been given the chance to build on the same foundation. Gold, silver, precious stones, wood, straw, and hay are our materials. Some of those will do better in the fire than others. But we're still building.

I think people who argue that "oh, I'm a parent. I don't have the same 24 hours as a single, NYC, invested businessman" are wrong. They do. They're just looking at success wrong. 

Is success a number on your bank account? Is it a certain number of things checked off on your to-do list in a day?

I go to an incredibly rigorous, difficult college. I know people fighting for A's in every class, people who graduate with perfect 4.0s and a smile on their faces. They've succeeded. And THAT IS TRUE. I wouldn't dare say I know someone else's circumstances well enough to say that anyone wasted their time doing that sort of thing.

What I do know is this: My success does not look like a 4.0 GPA. 

Success, for me, is getting up 15 minutes before work, brewing coffee, and stumbling over to help pay for my tuition after staying up til 1 working on a paper. Success is going to class and taking good notes, even when the chronic pain is at its worst. Success is putting 3 solid hours into studying, working as hard as I can on that, and then dancing about the C+ on the test. Because my struggles are different.

We do have the same 24 hours. But we all have different lives. And God has called us to different paths. If everyone is climbing the same mountain from different starting points, that's going to look different for everyone. That climb is not cut and dry. It's not identical.

The same 24 hours but different ways of filling them.

This I know: If you are following God, if you're being faithful where he's placed you?

You are successful.

 Hi guys! Today I'm here to attack your TBR with a bunch of indie books that you should read and will love. I've read so many indie books lately that are just GOOD and I'm super excited to share a handful of them with you guys! 

So here we go! My top few indie books! (There will be another post once I get through all my current physical TBR books).

This series is so cool, y'all. I definitely like the first trilogy better than the sequel duology, but both are excellent. The Blood Race is a dystopian in its early stages--the evil government hasn't taken over yet, and this group of superpowered kids is responsible for stopping them. They all live in a parallel dimension (brilliantly called The Dimension) where they learn to use their powers and confront their dark secrets. Icarus is one of my favorite guy characters ever, and this series is criminally underrated.

This (currently standalone) Elf fantasy is SO SO GOOD Y'ALL. It's about an unlikely band of kids who go searching for the lost Elf prince, the heir to the kingdom and the only one who can save them all. It's pretty dark (a LOT of torture in this one) but the Christian themes are gorgeous and I loved every page. I LOOOOOVE me a good redemption arc, and Hannah serves that in spades. Character development is so so important and this book is an incredible example and YOU NEED IT.

Y'ALL. IT IS ILLUSTRATED. WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED FROM ME. GO PURCHASE THIS BOOK. *ahem* In something of an attempt to be more objective: Illuminare is about a stolen journal and the guys hired to get it back. While it's a fairly simple concept, it's the intro to a vast, lush, Venice-inspired world of canals and blood. The boys in this book are amazing (especially Desmond--we need more musicians in fantasy, guys) and I need the next books in the series PRONTO. ALSO IT IS ILLUSTRATED. 

This book is STEAMPUNK, y'all. Steampunk with a side of circus vibes. What more could you need? I read this book years and years ago but I vividly remember loving it. It's the story of two guys fighting to save their circus and trying really hard to stay on the legal side of things as they do. I LOVE this story and if you're into steampunk...you need this.

Am I biased about this series? Not really. Because Brooke might be my best friend, but also THIS SERIES IS AMAZING. The characters are some of my favorites ever and the world is SO good. It's dystopian America but reads like contemporary. Peter and Raegan are just *chef's kiss*. You all need this one on your shelves.

So here you go: five awesome indie books for your TBRs. I'll definitely do a part two at some point here (and probably a small presses book list too! I LOVE me a good small press). Let me know down below what your favorite indie books are! I always need more books on my TBR, actually.

It's time for another flash fiction! Because I'm a sucker for pain: I'm going to give y'all another one of the backstory flash fictions for A Deal of Knives. Enjoy :)

Hysterical laughter ripples through the air. Luc spins back in time to see Annie spinning, her arms spread wide, her broad pink skirt billowing. The corset on her rib cage draws her waist in, making her look tiny. Fragile. Delicate. 

Luc knows, better than anyone, perhaps, that she isn’t delicate. 

Annie leaps into a puddle with both feet. The rain running down her face looks like tears, but the twist of her smile just makes her look insane. She’s getting there. He knows that.

He’s known that since the day he met her, and he really just wants to keep her smiling for what little time she has with sanity.

“The rain, the rain,” she sings, and brushes her skirt down. “Are you doing alright, Luc?” Her smile is still bright.

The streets are empty this time of night. Luc looks around at the pudldes and the gas lamps reflecting into them, lighting up the streets like tiny candles in the bricks. A glance back at Annie shows him that she’s dancing again, water spraying around her feet.

He leaps into the street with her and grasps her hands. She lets out a little gasp of excitement, but they’re dancing together now, hands clasped, arms around each other, cheeks pressed together.

Luc’s never been sure whether Annie understands romance, or if she’s aware that he’s in love with her and not just interested in friendship. But as long as he can stay with her, he will. He doesn’t need to push her. He loves her. That means her specific situations.

He spins her around and around, her hands in his. She throws herself into his arms, leaning her head against his shoulder. His dark suit is drenched and so is her bright pink dress.

“I’m starting a new job,” she says, her voice sing-song as she wraps both arms around his waist. “I got hired to dance in a circus.”

He freezes. “A real job?” She’s floated from place to place before, never leaving the burnt-over Nightmare District. She stays alive in ways he’s not sure he wants to know, very different from his current position as a clerk at the drugstore.

“A real job. I think I’ll take over someday. Dance forever, sweetie.” She drags a hand over his face. “If anything ever happens to you, I’ll hurt someone.” Her voice has gone dead serious.

His heart drops an inch. Annie is never serious. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m not going to let anyone hurt you, sweetie,” she whispers. “I promise.”

The mood shift has occurred so fast he’s not sure if he has a good response to this. He swallows and stops dancing with her, choosing instead to cup her face with one hand. “That’s very good. I’m so glad to hear that. But no one will hurt me.”

She shakes her head. “Someone could. Someone might.” She grips ahold of his arms, and her strength startles him. “I promise I won’t let anyone get you.”

He sighs. “No one can.” He could turn his heart to stone with a single thought, saving his life from any potential attack. Anything he willed would become stone. His power is an easy escape from any potential danger.

“You never know.” Annie sighs and then giggles, her serious mood vanishing as quickly as it came. He doesn’t love when she does this. “Do you like dancing?”

“We’ve been dancing,” he says, as gently as he can.

She grips his hands. “Keep dancing with me,” she whispers. 

This cannot last, he thinks as they spin in the street. This relationship is going to die. In fact, it’s not even born yet, but even if it was, it would be born only to die. He’s going to lose her, one way or another.

He isn’t sure how this works, but after a moment he leans in and kisses her softly. Rain pours down, running down their faces. Annie’s eyes are still closed when he pulls back. Now the rain really does look like tears.

“You silly boy,” she whispers, and opens her eyes. There’s a trace of sorrow in the furrow of her forehead. “You should’ve done that a long time ago.”

“Oh, I know,” he whispers, wrapping both arms around her, and he kisses her again.

If this leads to heartbreak, he’ll see her on the other side of the gates someday.

 Hello guys! I'm here to check in now that the school year is done. This is probably going to be a bit of a ramble that will mirror my newsletter for the month. (Remember, you can sign up for my newsletter here!!!! We just vibe over there. I'm not consistent at all but it's a good time.)

Unfortunately, I have been ridiculously busy this semester. Less unfortunately, it's somehow been my best semester ever academically. I loved every class I was in (even biology????) and my grades are actually reflective of that, which is INSANE. I wasn't at all expecting some of the grades I've gotten. More important than grades, though, I feel like I've learned so much--and isn't that the purpose of college? College is for learning and growing and stretching, and that matters way more than grades.

Life lessons have been increasing wildly with this semester, too. If you've ever talked to me in person you probably know I've really struggled with food sensitivities and chronic illnesses in the past couple years. (I think I've mentioned that on the blog before, too.) This semester, for the first time, I've actually been able to cope with my food restrictions. I've found substitutes that don't make me ill, and it's been life-changing on so many levels. Most days I don't even miss dairy anymore, and I can say that in all honesty.

Another life lesson: productivity is difficult. Really. I used to be able to slam through things so easily, and then 2020 brought my life to a screeching halt. I'm trying to have grace for myself. Part of that is looking at my to-do list as necessary tasks and striving to do them well rather than just getting them done--which also means I'm fighting to keep from idolizing productivity again. I still do, at times. But that's no longer the goal. I am no productivity guru. I work hard and I get through my list and that is what matters.

I don't really have a lot going on right now. I'm home for the summer. We're going on a mountain trip soon and I'm excited. 

I feel like an adult these days. Not fully. Not all the time. But there are days, man. There are days.

The old days on this blog were so wildly different from the early ones, and I really miss the old days of blogging. It used to be such a world to itself, but now it's quieter. Less stressful. I actually like the lack of pressure and the fact that I feel free to just post when I want to rather than feeling like I have to go on hiatus every time I take a break. Even so, I'm trying really hard to be better about posting consistently.

Lifestyle things will probably be coming to the blog soon (because I don't write fast enough to post writing updates 24/7 anymore, hahaha). Probably I'll also be posting some updates for my fiction from the summer, too, since the plan is to try to finish two or three books over the course of the summer. It feels unlikely, but a girl can dream.

My TBR for the summer is also stacked with some amazing books I can't wait to read. Some classics, some nonfiction, and some that I own--all of which are the kind of books I'm hoping to absolutely love. I'll probably do a wrapup post for my reading, too, if that's the kind of thing anyone is interested in.

That's about all I've got for now! Sorry for the absolute ramble this post was. Let me know what you've been up to this spring and if you have anything exciting coming in the summer!