WRITING AND THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
How many times have we all heard that? Obviously we all know it's a lie. Words have so much power and affect us so much. Today, we're going to look at the third love language in this series: words themselves, and how they can build up or tear down and anything in between.
Words of affirmation, clearly, are an important part of all of our lives. When you're on the job, you don't want your boss to hug you and kiss your cheek when you do a good job. No, you want to hear "Good job--keep it up!" When you write a really good short story and post it to your blog, you're not looking for your followers to say "just so you know, this post made me want to do this dishes for you!" Much though we might like our followers to do the dishes for us, the thing you're looking for in response to that is a comment saying "Wow--amazing! I loved this!"
Compliments are the barest-boned face of word of affirmation. Pure, simple compliments. It's easy enough to implement that into a novel. Simple compliments:
"You look lovely today."
"Amazing job on your driving test, baby. I knew you could do it!"
"You cooked this? For me? Oh my goodness, you're the best!"
If you have a couple who's known each other for more than two seconds--or even if they've known each other for two seconds, because come on, even a few compliments makes things more realistic than just the staring and lusting--they should be thinking about how much they love traits of the other person. Some examples of things to compliment:
Appearances. Actions. Possessions. Heroism. Collections. Gifts. He can tell her she smells good. She can tell him his shoes are adorable. And on and on it goes.
A longer example from one of my novels:
Words are also great because they can help you build up relationships and flesh them out. In my most recent novel, Holding Up the Sky, two characters end up attracted to each other. He's outgoing, but hates to open up to people. She's very shy and socially awkward. But as the two of them learn to talk to each other, they learn to open up in a new way. Their relationship isn't about physical attraction; it's a soul to soul attraction, personalities pulling each other together. And that's ONLY possible because they talk.
The words your characters choose to use also reveal things about their personalities. Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo has two examples of very different character revelations, brought about through dialogue:
Person 1:
These sentences are a big deal for each of these characters. Are they equal in execution? Maybe not. But they reveal something about the personalities of each of them that you wouldn't get otherwise.
One more thing to remember about words of affirmation: many, many people respond better to it than they do anything else. Perhaps a scene where your main girl comes down the stairs in a nice dress and your guys tells her softly that she looks nice isn't as steamy as a big kissing scene. But it's REAL.
There is nothing in the world that is as fulfilling in romance as genuinely allowing your characters to connect, and employing words in all the little places, soft words and passionate words and desperate words and sobbing words and all the words you can possibly think up, changes everything. You cannot make friends in the real world without talking. You absolutely cannot fall in love--real, strong, lasting love--and make it last without words.
Books shouldn't be any different.
Compliments are the barest-boned face of word of affirmation. Pure, simple compliments. It's easy enough to implement that into a novel. Simple compliments:
"You look lovely today."
"Amazing job on your driving test, baby. I knew you could do it!"
"You cooked this? For me? Oh my goodness, you're the best!"
If you have a couple who's known each other for more than two seconds--or even if they've known each other for two seconds, because come on, even a few compliments makes things more realistic than just the staring and lusting--they should be thinking about how much they love traits of the other person. Some examples of things to compliment:
Appearances. Actions. Possessions. Heroism. Collections. Gifts. He can tell her she smells good. She can tell him his shoes are adorable. And on and on it goes.
A longer example from one of my novels:
"You’re worth everything. There’s a whole world inside you, and you’re human, and you’re precious. Your face isn’t the only thing that defines your worth, and neither is your power. You’re beautiful on the inside too—you know that?"INSTANT payoff from this. Dialogue is the best way to build up a relationship. Better than kissing. Better than physical attraction. Better than anything. WORDS.
Words are also great because they can help you build up relationships and flesh them out. In my most recent novel, Holding Up the Sky, two characters end up attracted to each other. He's outgoing, but hates to open up to people. She's very shy and socially awkward. But as the two of them learn to talk to each other, they learn to open up in a new way. Their relationship isn't about physical attraction; it's a soul to soul attraction, personalities pulling each other together. And that's ONLY possible because they talk.
The words your characters choose to use also reveal things about their personalities. Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo has two examples of very different character revelations, brought about through dialogue:
Person 1:
“I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together-knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.”Person 2:
"I like your stupid face."
These sentences are a big deal for each of these characters. Are they equal in execution? Maybe not. But they reveal something about the personalities of each of them that you wouldn't get otherwise.
One more thing to remember about words of affirmation: many, many people respond better to it than they do anything else. Perhaps a scene where your main girl comes down the stairs in a nice dress and your guys tells her softly that she looks nice isn't as steamy as a big kissing scene. But it's REAL.
There is nothing in the world that is as fulfilling in romance as genuinely allowing your characters to connect, and employing words in all the little places, soft words and passionate words and desperate words and sobbing words and all the words you can possibly think up, changes everything. You cannot make friends in the real world without talking. You absolutely cannot fall in love--real, strong, lasting love--and make it last without words.
Books shouldn't be any different.
13 comments
really awesome post. As someone who's love language is words of affirmation, I can say they are much more comforting and helpful than hugs and kisses. I can also say there is an adverse side to the words of affirmation love language, but that might be too much to comment.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post! <3 love you!
"I like your stupid face."
ReplyDeleteSorry, but that made my laugh. I can just imagine the awkwardness in the situation...the wanting to say *something* but not knowing *quite* what to say...
I'm enjoying this series - keep it up!
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. YES. I've been waiting for this! This is my love language! :D
ReplyDeleteWords are soooo powerful, goodness gracious yes. They have so much more meaning to me than two characters making out. Like, okay, I get it, you have hormones and want to kiss but DO YOU ACTUALLY LOVE EACH OTHER??? It's through words that we REALLY get to know them. Like you said, you can't make friends without conversation. Talking is how we build relationships, ALL relationships. It's a powerful thing and, as writers, it's so important we use it to the greatest of our ability!
I'm just loving this series, girl! Keep being awesome! <3
ASLDKJFDLKJSSLKJS!!!!! I'm not a words of affirmation person. (At least, that's not nearly my top love language.) But the points you made here are just .... FANTASTIC. Words (in my humble opinion) make a romance SO MUCH BETTER than kissing scenes and so forth.
ReplyDeleteEPIC. I literally don't know what else to say. <33333
Oh, I'm loving this! This series is very helpful and a great reminder! I always get excited when I see a new love languages post from you!!!
ReplyDeleteThat Kaz line is sooo good and a such a good example. I really wish more people utilized this when writing relationships, their words are important.
ReplyDelete(I probably should make my characters express love through words more too XD)
Amen!!! We really need more solid verbal communication in fictional romance and fictional relationships in general.
ReplyDeleteYes! I think that this is my love language (welk, I write with it the most) but I also have an aversion to compliments. I'm confusing. XD But, this is so, so, so, so important! I love the examples you used!
ReplyDeleteI love this series-- and YES, this post is so true. Verbal communication should be more of an actual THING in books. How I love it when two characters in a relationship actually tAlK about things. After all, not everyone's love language is touch. Words of affirmation is not my love language, giving or receiving (lol), but it's still important!
ReplyDelete"Just so you know, this post made me want to do the dishes for you!" XD XD
ReplyDeleteAnother fantastic love language post!! You've been spot-on with all of these. Words ARE so important, even if words of affirmation isn't your primary love language. I think the other languages can be more subtle; but true, loving words are raw, real, straightforward, and that's what makes them so powerful.
See, I'm weird, because I feel like words of affirmation is my love language (almost tied with physical touch), yet at the same time, when people compliment me I feel insanely awkward. xD Like, I appreciate it and sometimes nothing encourages me more than a positive word, but I don't know to respond. Does that make sense? XD
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