Some Thoughts on Exhaustion
It is midway through September. I am almost always tired by now. Depending on what kind of school you attend, you might feel the same way. If you're out of school, it's probably a little different, but only so different.
It's very difficult to see the way ahead sometimes. It's even harder when you're tired.
Recently, I made a mistake. I delved into the internet looking for some character research, and realized just how ugly some of my own Backstory makes things for me. It can be easy to assume that because my life wasn't "as bad" or whatever, my pain is not real. So I get more and more tired as I shove that away, pretending it doesn't exist, etc.
But that's not how this game works. That's never been how I played this game.
It's really painful to look at things sometimes and realize that I'm broken. I like writing extremely broken characters--it makes the conflict more painful, it makes things harder for everyone. How painful to look at my life and realize that I'm just as bad.
I might be "well-adjusted." I might be independent and somewhat mature. But it's all a facade. It makes me tired and weary. Keeping that smile pasted to my face when the world is burning around me? It feels next to impossible sometimes.
That's why it's good that I don't have to do this alone.
I say that and it feels cliche. Why do I always keep running back?
Because without God, my life is truly empty and meaningless. What's the point of all this pain? I don't have an ending to the book. I can't just say "and then they lived happily ever after." It's a day-in, day-out affair. I'm struggling and that is life.
I need a reason.
He is the reason. The air in my lungs. He is the one who put me here, and He knew what He was doing. Even when I am tired. Even when I am aching. Even when I am broken.
I hold on.
Because He is still good.
