How It Looks From Here: The Question Mark
Everyone sees the darkness.
Right now, it feels like that's all we're seeing. All we're breathing. Reality is darkness, and pain, and grief. Isn't it?
I long for peace. I long for an end to this pain. There's so much that hurts right now, and we're in a global crisis together. And for me, personally...there is pain that has nothing to do with Covid-19. I don't know about you guys, but I bet I'm not the only one.
Jesus has not changed, and yet everything has, and so there's a question mark that exists in my mind. I'm always ashamed of the question mark when it appears, for I am a Christian, and so I should never waver in my trust, correct? Am I not failing my Lord when I doubt him? Is that not akin to treason? I question his very character--yes, maybe he claims to never change, but...maybe it isn't true. Maybe he has changed in the midst of everything else falling apart. Maybe I can't trust him perfectly.
It is a lie. It is such a lie. And yet my heart thrives off lies, and I feed on them, swallowing them like chocolate. I should be obedient to my Father. I should not doubt him. I should allow my trust to overcome my fear.
But here is the truth: no one is strong enough to do such a thing in their own strength.
I turned 18 last week. Not a lot of fanfare thanks to the quarantine, but it was a nice day, and I don't mind having a slightly smaller celebration. I had a lovely day, tbh. But once the birthday festivities wear off and I'm left with just the knowledge that I'm older now, I'm left once again to the question marks.
Fear. Fear is back. For now I am an adult. I don't yet have to pay my own way, but for some reason, I could. I could do so much more. I could be working full time at this point. I could do so much with my life, and it's all because of that magic number and the fact that it's the 16th of April instead of the 15th. I am an adult now?
The question marks fill everything. As my relationships shift and change and fall apart. As my heart splits straight down the middle. As I am suddenly old, old enough to make my voice heard about who should lead my country, old enough to legally decide whether or not I want to abuse substances, old enough for this, old enough for that...
And I step back.
I breathe and it's full of water in my lungs
I'm bleeding and I can feel the blood trickling over my arms
I can't breathe
I'm drowning
NO
Because despite the doubt, despite everything...despite my uncertainty...
He is still good.
He is still God.
And he will hold me fast.
He forgives me, and he loves me. It is the great mystery of life: how could a holy God love a sinner who deserves eternal death? How could he forgive me?
And yet... he does.
And he will not let me go.
He is the certainty in a world full of question marks.
32 comments
I needed to read this today.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely not the only one struggling with the doubts and uncertainty right now. I certainly have. It is good to know that God is unchanging. That he loves us. That he won't let us go.
I'll be praying for you!
<3
DeleteGod is so good and I'm appreciating that more and more right now. He uses all things for good and even when that's hard to believe...it's true.
Thanks! Right back at you <3
Oh gracious, wow. I loved this - I needed this. Thank you, Faith. (and I love you, girl *hugs*)
ReplyDelete<3 I'm so glad and I'll be praying for you (love you toooo <3)
Deleteoh my love <3 <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteI love you. You are a light in my life.
I love you.
I love you.
<3 <3
I love you too <3 <3 <3
Deleteaw, I think it's quite normal to be scared of growing up, not that that fact makes it easier or better. tbh sometimes I lie awake when I should be falling asleep and am gripped with a sort of terror that I will fail at life, that I will waste it, that will never find that purpose God has for me, that I will be held back by others, that I will allow them to hold me back, that I will hold myself back because of fears or selfishness. (it's an enneagram 3 thing I think ha.) but all the same, I remind myself every time, no, my only duty is to trust and obey and I cannot live a year at once. I can only live one day at a time, one minute at a time, and my duty is to trust and obey in that minute, in that day. And God gives each of that which he knows we can handle. Sometimes I wish God didn't trust me quite so much, to give me more than one talent ...
ReplyDeleteso thanks for this post, it's encouraging to see the honesty that you (and others) have to put these thoughts before us. <333
YERP that hits close to home *sobs* God gives us all what we can handle and he's got us even when we can't see the future. Thank you so so so much for sharing that and I feel like you said this way better than I could <3
DeleteThis is the core of what I've been struggling with so much lately too. It's so hard to trust God right now, for more reasons than just the pandemic, though that's definitely the biggest thing at the moment. Change is scary. Thank you for being so brave to share this and to remind us God's love is unshakeable even when our faith wobbles. <3
ReplyDelete<3 Agreed so much. Thank you for reading it, luv, and remember: I'm here for you no matter WHAT <3
Delete*hugs* Amazing post, Faith. <3 We all need to remember this, especially during these times. :D
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Nicole <3 I hope it's encouraging to you.
DeleteFAAAITH. Your posts always hit right at the heart. He is still God indeed and still sovereign and still our greatest hope and joy. AMEN!
ReplyDeleteThank you for opening your heart to us and sharing these truths. Love you, girl! <3
<3 I always try to write what I need to hear, and I just hope He'll use it to reach others. I'm so glad it encouraged you <3 Love you toooo
Delete<33333
ReplyDelete^^^ Literally because IDK what else to say. Just. AMAZING. FAITH.
<3333333
DeleteThank you luv
All I can leave here is ❤️ emojis because I feel this.
ReplyDelete<3 Praying for you, girl.
DeleteWow, this resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, happy late birthday! (Your birthday is one day before mine! :P )
<3
DeleteThank you! And Happy late birthday to you too!
(Happy birthday Faith!!)(Or did I already wish you one??)(In any case HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY)
ReplyDeleteBut that's so true - God is in control. Always. Forever. In all things. And even these crooks in our lot will be for our good and His glory!
THANKSSSSS (and more happy birthdays are always LOVELY xD)
DeleteHe is. And that is the only thing we can hold on to when we're uncertain--he's got this. <3
This was so good! And you're right, girl! I'm praying for you, and happy late birthday!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much and I'll be praying for you too! Awww thanks! <3
DeleteTHIS WAS SO GOOD. (Also-happy belated birthday!!! <33) You and I are in the same boat-I'm turning 18 this week, and I feel the same. <333 This was a lovely reminder, tysm. <333
ReplyDeleteAcckkk happy early birthday! <3 You're so welcome.
Delete<3<3<3 Growing up is pretty scary and sometimes it sucks. But also its refreshing to be able to make decisions for yourself and have independence. Happy late birthday Faith!!
ReplyDelete<3 It is and that's a good thing to remember. Thank you so much! <3
DeleteJust the other day my devotional was talking about how worry and fear is hurtful to Jesus, and you don't really think about it but it makes sense, doesn't it? But He also understands that we're human and we're not perfect.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with the question marks, too. But we've got Him and He's got this. <3
theonesthatreallymatter.blogspot.com
Wow! This really resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteFantastic post!!!
<3
<333 This, this post is amazing!
ReplyDeleteSuch a great reminder, thank you for this Faith. <333
ReplyDeleteHello, friends! Do make yourselves comfortable and stay for a while--I'd love to chat with you! I simply ask that you keep it clean. :)